Fagmentation

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i allow you to treat me badly … because something that whispers between the words …  tells me i deserve it …  i allow the illogical … because it might be  love … or bright red desperation …  most severe … most hot … most wanting coolness and blue … i allow you  

… i allow you to … touch me in tender places with roughhard hands … that know no work … are just hard and  thick-fingered … swole nigh to bursting … greedy for room …  that light me on fire … to free inflammation … that know the way to tenderness … because those are the places i hide behind … play hide and seek with myself … and run softly … quietly … into the shadow spaces behind the bile … in which i swim like brown broken butterfly with one monarch wing … make me a pool … and cover myself … splashing in the sickening green … then drown to once-was … sink down inside the coverture of my uncertain …

i hold my breath for fear of polluting … the preciousness of people who mean the most … i smother myself with love … place your pillow over my face and wait in bed … pray for you to do desire justice … play hide and seek inside myself … in long condemned demolition lean-to … i cover my mouth and hope against finding … wanting really to be found … in the shadow of my shadows … i invite you to tackle me to the ground and force the air from my lungs with your widecold hand … take my breath … away i go each time … i allow invasion

… i lay on the floor … a mat for dirty shoes … await your quick-walking feet and sturdy stomp … my back … undirty … knows desire in the underfoot ways of grass … where depressions equal acknowledgment … i silence myself with the blades … keep the overflow from running down the sides of the bottle … deny myself excesses … make pallets of raw and rotting matter … feelings … and lay on them … i rot … like compost … a place for all discard … and become one with what you don’t want … i reframe right … to meet you in the middle … tell myself be blank … be black … be wrong … be broke … be piece … be shaped … be poor … be lack … be shame … be guilt … be weak  … be lie … be … be un .. be … be un … be … be un … be … beun … to be the stillness of ocean water where no one floats … and there are no birds or hearts … no one is flying … and clouds are unpretty …  in the absence of an eye  …

i allow you to tell me things about myself unsure … i allow you to discover me …(re)discover me … introduce … (re)introduce me to myself … so afterward we two can huddle in dark corners giggling with our newly (re)discovered selves in criticism of our flaws … like mean people … like lovesick witches … while you watch … and drink long-stem glasses of glad …   

i allow you to tell my untolds to me … and (re)mind me of mercy … i allow trial and guilt and disturbance and contempt and fury and labor and decay and resuscitation … to do it all again … because i am no better than my own imagination … 

i am in a place with no stars … unsure that i am … in the distance there is a purple planet where you live … i have never visited other-people planets … my couch is cold … we are worlds apart in the same galaxy … this is your handiwork god … this is your seven day reward … this is the without form and void … this is the deep before the dividing of the waters of the firmament … that which was above … from that which was below … this is the rib still in tact … this is the dirt … the clay untouched by omnipotent hands … this is the molding … this is thing without a name … the atom of my existence … and i am … unsure that i am … much more than a blot in the blackness … because i am … no better than my own imagination … because i am … only existent in yours

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